Editing and Having Fun (Part Three)
Alex looks at his story and decides what kind of sin would make a shamed Mac head out in a lightning storm, wearing steel suspenders to hold up his kilt.
Recall: At the time Mac had lifted his kilt for a private act at the base of a tree during a storm, he was incinerated by one of God’s lasers. Before Mac became ashes, he was keeping some secrets; one such was hiding from his friends his daughter’s pregnancy…but why? Read on this slapstick comedy of grammar problems in life and death.
Part 3:
Digging graves for dead pigs was not PN’s idea of a glamorous life. When Mac had adopted the hopeless kid, PN had never seen a pig. He and his wife, Ellipsis, had adopted a daughter, Notta Adjective, to help around the farm. She was fifteen.
Alex needs help with the above paragraph. Why is this the first time we hear about Ellipsis? She is not mentioned in the first two episodes. Where is she now? He better explain for the reader.
A year after Mac and Ellipsis adopted Notta Adjective, a 15-year-old girl, to help around the farm, Ellipsis tragically fell into the combine harvester while it was baling. Mac managed to hide his glee that his boring wife, dotty as hell, was finally bundled up and stacked in a corner of the field.
Come the winter, the pigs would enjoy her.
It suited Mac to tell the residents of the hamlet that Ellipsis had run off with Billy Syntax, who was nothing more than a disagreeable asshole who worked on a farm in another hamlet. They would have been a good match if that story had been true.
But soon after his bundled secret was rotting in the corner of the hayfield, Mac discovered Notta and his newly adopted son, PN, screwing in the pigsty. PN’s butt was going up and down like a jackhammer on top of Notta, lying on her back with piglets squealing all around them.
“What the fuck are you two doing?”
Alex knew he had not created Mac as someone stupid; he understood what they were doing. Mac was socially very sensitive. Ellipsis, had she not been bundled, would have been shocked.
“Proper Noun,” Mac yelled, “I adopted you to help with the pigs, not fuck your sister. What is wrong with the two of you?”
PN was close but pulled out anyway, spilling seed everywhere. The piglets thought he was their mother.
“How long has this been going on?” Mac angrily asked, kicking the piglets away.
“Since Mrs. Verb, our biology teacher, told us that mating was perfectly natural. I must say, it feels natural, Dad.”
“Not with your fucking sister, it isn’t.”
So, you see, a lot in Mac’s background had him walking out in a storm, and being tased by God was his eternal rest.
The flower-decorated Weber BBQ was carried into the church by the residents with Mac ashes and hot shit in the urn, its screwed cap by its side. Friends and relatives could look in to see him burned out and at rest.
The church is filled with sad people and shit-smelling ashes as music swelled up into the rafters of the small church. PN had chosen Ashes to Ashes by Lightning Flash as the BBQed ashes made their way forward. Two of Mac’s favorite pigs, Red and Bacon, headed the procession.
What was unexpected was Bacon’s new litter, which had followed the old sow into the ceremony, bringing remnants of pigsty bedding scattered across the church floor. Bacon shoved the squealing creatures into the arms of some residents standing in the pews.
“Sorry ‘bout that,” PN said, “Come back to the house for a shower and some tea.”
Come back tomorrow for the final episode. Alex has written himself into a corner. Not for the first time.
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