Giving Samples
I guess we’ve all done it. (I’m spending too much time in medical offices!)
You all know I see a doctor; the same one I’ve been going to since coming to America. You know, too, he’s not a proper doctor, he’s a fucking quack! Seriously. He knows nothing.
I went to see him about my neck issue. But not really, kind of thing.
“If you carry on drinking,” Quack said, “you’ll never see the year out.”
Which is funny because I always take a bottle of Macallan with me. We have a couple of shots together.
I glanced at my watch. It was mid-day on the twenty-ninth of February.
I said, “let’s have another, there’s still plenty of time.”
The Quack studied some medical reports as if he knew what he was doing. He tapped his fingers on his desk, tapped his feet, took out a cigarette, looked at it, and put it back in the packet before peering at me over his full-moon glasses. “We’ve had the results of your scans,” he said, “and they don’t look good.”
“That’s weird, how come?” I asked.
“Lifestyle, Harry. I will get a nurse to get some samples from you.”
We finished our whisky, and he buzzed the nurse into the room. She had one of those bodies a man would kill for — flat stomach, great biceps, dark moustache, you know the kind. Of course, I realized then how bad the Quack’s eyesight was getting.
The nurse looked over at me and smiled. Phony bitch, I thought.
“Go with Avril, Harry. She’ll take care of you,” he said.
The Quack leafed through some medical forms and handed one to the nurse. “The nurse will explain what we need, Harry.”
She glanced at the form and then told me to follow her. We turned into a small cubicle-type room.
“We’ll need samples from you,” she said.
“What kind of samples?” I asked.
“We need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample,” she answered.
“I don’t need the bottle, nurse,” I said, “I’ll just leave you my boxer shorts?”
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