How To Grip the Damn Shaft!
Do not, I repeat, do not teach your wife golf. Revenge is hard to take. A wee bit naughty.
“It’s about the grip, honey.”
Jenny looked up from checking the alignment of her feet, and said, “I thought this was to be a golf lesson,” she answered, winking at me.
“Concentrate, love. When you look down the shaft, you want your thumb and finger to form a ‘V’,” I said, immediately regretting that description.
“I like that word ‘shaft’, it’s kind of sexy,” she said, looking down at her hands.
“Your shaft is a little thicker.”
Hardly a compliment, was my first thought. “I bet Ben Hogan didn’t have to put up with this?”
“Who is Ben Hogan?”
“Never mind Jenny, you’re too youn… look, never mind. Concentrate on your grip.”
“Yes, darling, I’ll have the best grip you can imagine.”
“Shut up, now crook the forefinger around the shaft.”
“I never knew golf was this interesting, Harry. You’ve been holding out on me,” she said, as if inuendo was indeed part of the game.
“Okay, good. Harry Vardon called this the overlapping grip. It promotes an effective grip of the fingers around the shaft.”
“Is that right, two hands, Harry?”
“Yes. One essential thing to remember, to ensure you have a good firm grip on the shaft you must get your left hand on the shaft absolutely accurately. Let me come behind you, I’ll show you.”
“Okay, so you grip the shaft like this, there, can you feel that, not too tight, not to loose? Legs farther apart, good. Okay, how does that feel?”
“Oh yes, Harry. I like this feel.”
“Okay, so push your butt out a little, keeping a nice flat spine. You need to feel relaxed, not uptight. Okay?”
“That feels nice, love,” she says, wiggling her posterior. “Why do I need a golf club?”
There are some things in life a husband cannot teach a wife, golf is top of the list, driving a car comes a close second.
That same evening.
“Honey, I want to teach you how to be a better husband.”
“Better? Is that a joke?”
“No, darling, I want us to have a better relationship, so I’m going to teach you how we do this.”
“Was that sun too much for you today, Jenny?”
“No, love, I was wearing a hat. I think we’ll start with interrupting. I never get a sente…”
“Me…interrupt? That’s a good one. I can’t get a bloody word in. Harry, will you do this, will you get, can you buy, time for the dog’s walk. If I don’t interrupt, I’ll be taking a piss in my pants, honey.”
“And secondly, I want to teach you about oral sex.”
“What! What! Honey, there’s nothing to teach. I got a velvet tongue. We’ve been together twenty years and now you want to teach me about oral sex? That hat you were wearing today, it didn’t fit, did it?”
“Honey, for twenty years you missed the spot.”
“Spot, what fucking spot? After a minute or two you’re writhing all over the bed. Ecstasy, that’s what I call that.”
“No, Harry, that’s me trying to make you lick the right spot.”
“That’s it. I’m out of here. You think women can teach men about oral sex? We grow up perfecting the lap technique. I need a drink.”
Later that same night.
“Have I learned the right grip, honey?”
“Fuck me, I’ll say.”
“Good, then just lick a little to the right, up, a touch mo….ahhh. You learn quickly, Harry.”
