So, you’re the one!

I fell in love with Ariel at the precipice of becoming adolescent— I wanted the hand of King Triton's daughter before aged 10. She had a beautiful singing voice and a perky pair of breasts supported by those infamous lavender shells. She had the ocean at her fingertips and every eligible merman at her disposal, all promising her a happy life. But she hadn’t met me.

But no, she chose the hard way. First, she fell in love with a guy she saved in a shipwreck. We all know that romances stemming from traumatic situations never last. She ignored her father, ditched her friends, spent days stalking him from a rock, and gave up her voice so she could change into a human.

And even then, with all my personality, good looks, knowledge of the seas, she evaded my attention.

I never forgave Disney till I was twelve.

Today, when I'm seventy bloody three, you come by to see me.

I forgive you.

Harry Hogg