Satire | Play | Black Comedy | Christ’s Birth
The Nativity in Missouri
a school play by Harry, Deputy Headmaster.
Over a hundred parents had packed into the school hall and were sat facing the small stage. The school’s hall doors failed to shut out the cold winter night, and the draft meant several people at the back of the hall kept their coats on.
The children at the side of the stage were nervously fidgeting and yawning loudly. A mock stable had been erected on the stage, and a doorway in the back of the stable led backstage. The lights were dimmed, and a single beam shone onto the backdrop of a painted Bethlehem, illuminating a
single star above the stable. A moment later, the scene was fully lit, and two wise guys walked on stage to the accompaniment of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
The two wise guys chatted as they came across the stage, with one asking the other. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah, but we’re early, let’s hang back.” The two turned and walked into the darkened side of the stage. Almost immediately, coming from the audience
Mary and Joseph are hurrying down the aisle, racing to undress each other.
They entered the stable, from which came the sounds of pleasurable moaning.
When the stable door opened again, Mary, heavily pregnant, was being helped by a henpecked-looking Joseph. They arrived at a curtain with a hotel painted on it and a large zipper that acted as a door. Joseph wrapped his knuckle on the canvas, and a woman off stage banged her shoe on the table too late. Causing the audience to titter.
A man opened the door, covered head to foot in black leather, except for an opening where his mouth was. “Can I help you?’ He asked in a cheery manner. Joseph asked for a room, but the man at the hotel had no vacant rooms and offered the stable where Mary and Joseph had already had some baby-making fun.
The two walked back to the stable and entered. Two stagehands ran on and unzipped one side of the stable, revealing Mary lying with a baby in her arms, and Joseph was trying to explain something about frankincense with ice cream.
A golden light was shining from within the manger.
Suddenly, in a burst of activity, waking several parents, the two wise guys appeared from the dark side of the stage, guns pointing at the horrified couple.
‘“You have something that belongs to us,” one wise guy said. The other wise guy quoted from his diary, dated 25:17.
God’s voice, played by the headmaster, boomed out.
“I’m being quoted out of context,” God said.
One of the wise guys jumped out of his skin, the one standing nearest the speaker and fired his gun. “Oh man, I just shot Jesus in the face!”
Joseph jumped up, pulling a gun from his robe, and fired wildly. Sadly, none of the shots hit home. Joseph then fell to the floor after being shot several times in the chest. One wise guy reminded Joseph to squash the tomato juice in his chest pocket. Joseph opened his eyes fleetingly and hit the juice packet so hard that the red liquid splashed into the front row. The other wise guy reached into the manger and pulled out a briefcase; the other muttered something about divine intervention. As they walked offstage, God’s voice again filled the hall.
He warned the audience that killing was deeply offensive. And one of God’s commandments, thou shalt not kill baby Jesus!
All the actors stood up, bowed, and distributed a box of Terry’s All Gold to the audience.
The lights went out, and the applause began.
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