The Question Men Always Want Answered
Sometimes we do not know what we want, or how to cope when we have it.
I asked Jackie if she wanted to walk the dog with me. She asked, where?
“Over hill, not too far from the house.”
Of course, she said yes.
Jackie always loved hanging out with Reckless, my dog.
Dog walking paraphernalia in hand, we headed out. At first, we didn’t say a lot, happy to take in the fresh air and the view across the meadow on a pretty day, clustered as it was with Bellflower. It looked beautiful. Jackie, too,
She always did.
Jackie caught me looking at her and smiled. I could have kept from smiling back at her but the little extra blood flowing into my cheeks would give me away.
After a while, about half a mile into our walk, we did what we came here to do.
I told the story, she listened, we walked.
Jackie left me about a year ago, saying she was unhappy. I didn’t think that was good reason to leave but didn’t have much choice as I watched her gather her things into a garbage bag and walk out the door.
It was strictly business after that.
Then, nine months later, out of the blue, she starts talking about maybe trying again, which was a shock. She looked troubled, I’m sure I did too, it had been a hard time.
She was wearing a jacket that was a little big and the sleeves came
down over her hands. I thought that looked cool for some reason. We walked to the local pub and sat for an awkward minute in silence.
Quite honestly, I didn’t feel like saying anything first. But the minute seemed like forever, so I started to talk. I had questions that needed to be answered but I still wasn’t sure what it is we were talking about.
I said: “Jackie, before we get into this, let me make sure I’m clear on what
we’re doing. You did talk to me about getting back together, right?”
She said: “Yes, I’ve been having counseling. It made me realize that our relationship is not the root cause of my unhappiness. I want to know if you’re still willing to work on us?”
I wanted had wanted that to happen, to believe her. But that was a year ago. She gave me five minutes notice that our relationship was done.
I danced around the idea that I have been thinking about getting into another relationship, explaining how I couldn’t cope were such a thing to happen again. I would be willing to hear her side because we had a history and because I loved her.
I said: “There is something important I have to know.”
Her hands went to her face, still covered in the coat sleeves.
I said: “Well, then I don’t see a way forward, Jackie. I’m done.”
I left my drink on the table and grabbed Reckless’ lead. On the walk back, I went into shock, literally, physically, like when a guy gets his arm cut off in an industrial accident and his body just shuts down, so he doesn’t die from the pain. It was like a self-induced coma for self-preservation.
Reckless trotted ahead. His world hadn’t changed much. Eat, sleep,
walk… mostly sleep.
I’d gone a quarter mile when I heard a voice behind, Jackie was riding a bicycle. To this day, I don’t know whose it was.
She said: “Do you want me back?”
I shook my head. It struck me as odd having just made the rest of my life uncomfortable.
I let out a deep breath. It’s not like I hadn’t thought about the possibility. What if the tables were turned? That meeting someone else showed me the depth of love I had for Jackie.
I looked at Jackie, seeing the trail of a single tear, down from the corner of her eye, running her jawline, puddling in the corner of her lips. I felt a tingling chill run up my back and out from my shoulders, finally settling as goosebumps on my arms.
I hugged her and realized I loved her. I wasn’t sure exactly what that
meant but I knew it was true, so I told her.
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